A Sermon

I wrote this with the intention of performing it at a show a few weeks ago, but I unfortunately ended up not getting to go up. I found it today when looking through some of my files and thought it was worth posting for the fun of it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope that you can forgive my interruption of your evening of Godless and sinful humor, preceding what I can only assume will be a night filled with harlotry and perhaps a dash of sodomy to bring you this simple message that was delivered to me by the divine hand of the lord himself, just earlier this very day as I partook in the viewing of a religious film on the TV. A certain film celebrating God’s glory in the form of a beautiful marine creature, the immaculate Great White Shark.

In this particular film, this creature, had gone mad, and was fixated on sinking his teeth into the good people of a small beach town called Amity. Now, Amity as we know means friendship. So of course we can plainly see that this “Jaws” serves as a metaphor. For we all have an Amity in our lives, do we not? A peaceful seaside town in our souls that is in constant danger of being attacked by a vicious, mean eating shark named not “Bruce,” but Lucifer! A great white morning star that will swim up and devour us like a scantily clad jezebel out for a late evening swim! This shark swallow you whole! Swallow you whole with Sin and Temptation. Little shakin, little tenderizing, and down you go.

Now, the thing about a shark is, he’s got lifeless eyes, black eyes like a dolls eyes. When he comes at ya, he don’t seem to be living till he bites ya! Now naturally for most of us, the reaction we have when we hear someone yell shark is to get out of the water. You yell shark and there’s a panic on our hands on the fourth of July. But we can’t allow ourselves to shut down the beaches in our hearts; shut ourselves off from the joys and experiences in our lives. We got to fight back.

That is why I stand here today, To speak to you about one of God’s chosen warriors. I’m of course talking about one Martin Brody. Sure, like many in scripture, Martin was reluctant at first. "Shut down the beaches!" he’d exclaim, "paint up those signs, that’s some bad hat harry!" But ole Martin, once that shark had threatened his own son, despite his fears of the water, set out on a holy mission with with a drunken pirate and that man from the Mr. Holland’s Opus movie. He told his wife, tell the kids I’m going fishing.

And those men, set out, with the power of lord on their backs. And they are tried and tested by that devil fish. They struggle, and tell stories of their exploits, and yes, though they lose their drunken pirate friend, but Martin and Mr. Holland, backed by the faith of their lord, stand triumphant, warriors of God’s power, and they blow that demon shark right back to the hell it came from. So take heed. When the demons of temptation threaten to close down the beaches of your heart, you stand firm, you stand proud, and you say to the world, "you’re gonna need a bigger boat!!" Can I get an AMEN?! Amen my brothers, now enjoy your debauchery, as I raise my communal cup to the heavens and declare: Here’s to swimming, with bow-legged women.