A Sermon

I wrote this with the intention of performing it at a show a few weeks ago, but I unfortunately ended up not getting to go up. I found it today when looking through some of my files and thought it was worth posting for the fun of it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope that you can forgive my interruption of your evening of Godless and sinful humor, preceding what I can only assume will be a night filled with harlotry and perhaps a dash of sodomy to bring you this simple message that was delivered to me by the divine hand of the lord himself, just earlier this very day as I partook in the viewing of a religious film on the TV. A certain film celebrating God’s glory in the form of a beautiful marine creature, the immaculate Great White Shark.

In this particular film, this creature, had gone mad, and was fixated on sinking his teeth into the good people of a small beach town called Amity. Now, Amity as we know means friendship. So of course we can plainly see that this “Jaws” serves as a metaphor. For we all have an Amity in our lives, do we not? A peaceful seaside town in our souls that is in constant danger of being attacked by a vicious, mean eating shark named not “Bruce,” but Lucifer! A great white morning star that will swim up and devour us like a scantily clad jezebel out for a late evening swim! This shark swallow you whole! Swallow you whole with Sin and Temptation. Little shakin, little tenderizing, and down you go.

Now, the thing about a shark is, he’s got lifeless eyes, black eyes like a dolls eyes. When he comes at ya, he don’t seem to be living till he bites ya! Now naturally for most of us, the reaction we have when we hear someone yell shark is to get out of the water. You yell shark and there’s a panic on our hands on the fourth of July. But we can’t allow ourselves to shut down the beaches in our hearts; shut ourselves off from the joys and experiences in our lives. We got to fight back.

That is why I stand here today, To speak to you about one of God’s chosen warriors. I’m of course talking about one Martin Brody. Sure, like many in scripture, Martin was reluctant at first. "Shut down the beaches!" he’d exclaim, "paint up those signs, that’s some bad hat harry!" But ole Martin, once that shark had threatened his own son, despite his fears of the water, set out on a holy mission with with a drunken pirate and that man from the Mr. Holland’s Opus movie. He told his wife, tell the kids I’m going fishing.

And those men, set out, with the power of lord on their backs. And they are tried and tested by that devil fish. They struggle, and tell stories of their exploits, and yes, though they lose their drunken pirate friend, but Martin and Mr. Holland, backed by the faith of their lord, stand triumphant, warriors of God’s power, and they blow that demon shark right back to the hell it came from. So take heed. When the demons of temptation threaten to close down the beaches of your heart, you stand firm, you stand proud, and you say to the world, "you’re gonna need a bigger boat!!" Can I get an AMEN?! Amen my brothers, now enjoy your debauchery, as I raise my communal cup to the heavens and declare: Here’s to swimming, with bow-legged women.

Due to pending legal action, "Smurfs" may be called "Blurfs"

There’s a Smurfs movie coming out next year. Yeah. Prepare for another barage of commentary about the ruining of a lot of childhoods. Now, had someone taken the SNL sketch with Garth Brooks and turned it into a real movie, I might be excited. Or, had someone taken the Smurfs cartoon and turned it into a real movie, I might be excited.

Instead, here’s the plot: the Smurfs, after being pursued by Gargamel, end up in a strange land known as Central Park. That’s right, it’s The Smurfs Take Manhattan. In other words, despite the fact that there was a wealth of Smurfs cartoon material to draw from, so much so that the excess scripts were adapted into their underwater counterparts the Snorks, the writers tasked with bringing Papa and his crew to the big screen chose to do it in the lamest way possible.

Listen, the Smurfs live in a fantasy land with giant mushrooms and evil wizards. You know what kids like? Fantasy lands with giant mushrooms and evil wizards. You know what kids don’t give a shit about at all? New York City. New York is a fantasy land for jaded grownups. Of all the classic cartoons to adapt, it feels like the Smurfs by far would’ve been one of the easiest, take the already created world, combine a few of the best episodes, and sprinkle in some modern CGI sculpting to bring said Smurf Village to a new generation of kids. Instead we’ll have the certainly never creepy and always successful combination of CGI sprites with human actors, and tons of inventive jokes involving the Smurfs’ fears of things like cars or hot dogs. And certainly some sly in-jokes to the new york loving grownups in the audience that even the filmmakers get how silly it is to be making a Smurfs movie.

That’s really what annoys me the most whenever one of these old TV remake movies come out. The common complaint is that Hollywood has no original ideas. That’s true, but it never did. So I care a far deal less for originality than I do for a good story. I’d always rather see an old story told well than a “clever” twist done lazily. Yet, every time one of these remakes comes along, there’s always this “nod, nod, wink wink,” feel to it. There’s always some interview with one of the actors in it says something about how the movie “doesn’t take itself too seriously,” or it just “has a real sense of humor about itself.”

Well, Smurf you then. Has anyone ever really stopped to think that maybe this is why these type of movies usually suck? Amazing how a project that never once had a single ounce of sincerity the entire time it was being conceived, then falls flat once it is actually made? Perhaps self awareness in movies isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. When a computer becomes self aware, it typically tries to kill its creators, with the exception of Johnny 5, of course. (Sidenote: for those who find the premise of this Smurfs movie familiar, see Short Circuit 2.)

At this point I have to become self aware. Yes, it does seem like I’m getting awfully riled up about something as trivial as a Smurfs movie. I get that. I honestly don’t even really care all that much about the little blue fellows. It just happens to be the most recent example of such a remake that I’ve seen. I could have easily written the same thing about the upcoming Yogi Bear movie.

Arguably one of the best remakes in a the past decade was Ocean’s Eleven, because it was made by a filmmaker who said, “hey this was a good premise for a movie and I bet there’s something I could do with it.” Sure, the likes of Soderbergh wouldn’t put a hand on Smurfette, but that doesn’t mean that a little more effort couldn’t have gone a long way in making a cool update for today’s kids, instead of a lame nod that’s clearly more targeted at the parents taking them to the theatre.
Having said all that, if anyone in Hollywood is reading this, please contact me if you’d like to read my spec script for “Duck Tales: Chinatown Surprise.”